A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

"£85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
"£85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist .
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off.
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful, but the price could drop to £40".
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "and it's going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you £5."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman.
"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The Blond mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank  check.
"There's no charge," she says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax…

he yelled.
  Silence followed, and after a few minutes,
the captain came back sheepishly on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so very sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" An
angry passenger in the cabin yelled out loudly, "That's nothing. You should see the back of MY pants!"

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time.
This little test should do it.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director which is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."

Okay, here's your test:

1. Would you use the spoon?
or
2. Would you use the teacup?
or
3. Would you use the bucket

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
"A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the  spoon."



After you make your choice, look on the last page for the answer.